The Ultimate Temple of Charles Kerr Hatred
A site devoted entirely to how much this guy hates his old roommate, even after not having seen him in several years. As usual, I thought it was completely random until I noticed the "Similar Sites" link and learned that it's actually an entire web genre. see also The Ibrahim Khan Marwat Database
Cast Central
People who derive sexual excitement from leg casts and "Recreational Orthopedics." I recommend clicking on "stories" and then selecting "NC-17." Well, maybe "recommend" isn't the word I'm looking for.
SilverSmiles
For those of you who are out there asking, "But Jim, what if I have a fetish for orthodontic braces?" Yeah, laugh it up; this has its own category in Yahoo.
alt.sex.plushies
I swear not all of these links will be sexual, but I would be remiss if I didn't include the tweef that first opened my eyes to tweefs: sex with stuffed animals. Everything you never wanted to know about really, really loving your toys.
The Ultimate Wars vs. Trek Database
It's one of the oldest arguments between geeks and fanboys online: "Who would win in a fight, Star Wars or Star Trek?" This page answers that question in deadly, deadly earnest, analyzing the ships on a strength-by-strength basis. Have a look the next time you're worried that you take things too seriously.
The Pump Room
Oh, tweef!!! I... I just... how do you even discover this as a possibility? Is it like one of those Reeses commercials? "You've got your ass around my aquarium pump!" "You've got your aquarium pump up my ass!... heeeey...!"
ChildCare Action Project
Does this amuse anyone besides me? The most legalistic movie reviews you'll ever see; in an effort to Think of the Children, these people sit in the movie theater and count the bad thoughts. Half the time, they walk out ten minutes into the movie. I took longer than usual trying to figure out if it was a put-on (they work too hard for it not to be real).
Casketfurniture.com
Economical and practical. Buy your casket now, and use it as a couch while you wait to die!
ThePeacock.com
Another old favorite. Used to be just one big ten page paragraph, but even with more quote-unquote cohesion it's still a hoot. The meat of the site is here.
Run abOut
A hoop! A stick! Grab the stick! Push the hoop! More control the faster you go! Bonus points for site design; doesn't even tell you how much it costs until you click the "order" button, and good luck finding that.
Wormwood?
An in-depth report of the Vatican's conspiracy to conceal the fact that aliens are hiding in a comet on its way to earth. The part about the direct link-up to the Hubble space telescope through the super-encrypted computer in the pope's underground Popecave is my personal favorite.
Of.com
Frozen.com
Crowbar.com 7/16/00
I'm sorry, do domain names not cost money any more?
Buttcandle.com
Just when I thought ear candles were the weirdest home remedy I'd ever seen. This invention is definitely added right above cigarettes on my "How would you even come to invent that?" list. Bonus points for the dignified product name, Beavis.
Human Skulls For Sale
Looking for that extra-special centerpiece for the dining room table? Casket furniture too expensive a conversation starter? Good news: you can buy body parts from the comfort of your home office! I'm particularly a fan of the wacky nicknames they've given the dead people. "Hey, check out 'The Golfer'! He was almost beaten to death! That's gotta be worth at least $800!" Note to self: do not leave body to "science."
To really, really, really like The Little Mermaid
The one that started it all: oh, it's so perfect I can't stand it! I take back what I said about plushies: the first time I actually encountered tweef was the first month I had internet access and came into contact with the fellow interviewed on this page. It utterly breaks my heart to see that his actual page is gone, but this article captures its flavor perfectly. I strongly urge you to read the interview in its entirety while repeating the word "cartoon" softly. Pay special attention to the pictures. And the part where... oh, just go there!
FM Stomp
"But Jimski, what if a foot fetish is just too broad for me? What if I have an even more specific fetish?" Well, here. For people who get excited by stomping on things. And by "excited," I mean... you know, I don't even know what I mean. Something about this one is so odd that it just saps my will to live. Stomping in sneakers, boots, bare feet... just stomping. On things.
A Tribute to Optimus Prime 6/19/00
You know, I'm trying not to just mock people for daring to have enthusiasm about things. I really am. But have a look at this old favorite and I think you'll understand why it's here.
Saltine.com 6/25/00
When?
In Real Life 6/25/00
Finally, a site devoted to women inhaling smoke. "Women inhaling smoke naked?" you ask. "No," I answer. "No, just... women inhaling smoke." I get all hot and bothered just thinking about it, don't you?
NBAK: Neck Brace Appreciation Klub 7/16/00
A more image-y site for people who like to pretend their partners have been seriously injured. One of the few places online or off where you'll ever read the words "Off-the-Shelf recreational spinal braces." And why isn't it NBAC? Was something wrong with NBAC? Did it not flow off the tongue like NBAK? Was NBAC taken?
Sleeping Beauties 7/20/00
Sleepy Serena 7/20/00
Sites for people who actively, enthusiastically enjoy carrying sleeping people around. What has to happen to you during your formative years in order for you to form any kind of opinion on the issue of sleeping people carrying? I mean, if I'd asked you a minute ago, "Sleeping people over your shoulder: pro or con?" it's not like you'd have had an answer ready. Unless you had a bad back or something. Personally, I'm reading a whole subtext into these sites that I find oogy. I'm sure that makes me some kind of prude.
alt.sex.fetish.robots 7/20/00
Award winner for Online Fetish I Am Least Surprised To Discover. My rubber Spock ears are twitching just thinking about it. From Automaton to Zombie, all your female supplication fantasies are here. Still less oogy than the sleeping people sites.
The Hiccup Lovers Web Site 7/20/00
Hiccup Sanctuary 7/20/00
Hiccups 7/20/00
If you had told me five short years ago that I would someday string together the words "hiccup" and "fetish" in a serious sentence, I'd have never believed you. Thanks, World Wide Web!
SneezinGirl's Sneezing Website 7/20/00
SNEEZING GIRLS 7/20/00
Female Sneezing Videos 7/20/00
"Okay, hiccups maybe, but surely nobody's into... oh, no way!" I am in the wrong line of work; all this time, I could have been directing sneeze films. Again, everyone fully clothed.
M***'s Kitchen 7/20/00
AAAAAAAAAH! MY EYES!
"we suspected that the mainstream art-world isn't quite ready for this sort of material..."
Hell no, they're not! You fantasize about eating people!
Actually... no. Too much. I'm not linking to this site from my page. It's some of the tweefiest tweef that ever tweefed. The pictures have me a coin toss away from calling the cops, although every page on the site says at least twice, "Remember, we're just pretending! :-)" Yeah, just kidding, wink wink, here's a picture of some person bound and garnished. ICK. I'm going to go wash my brain out with soap. I leave this here only as a warning to tweef-hunters everywhere: know your limits.
This Week's Johns 7/20/00
Just a site I am strangely amused by. St. Paul MN dissuades prostitution by publishing pictures of the guys they arrest, all of whom look delighted.
Cat Whisker collecting 9/12/00
Oh, well that's swee-- wait a minute, what??
Tongues. 9/12/00
Now, I've made cracks about fetishy sites before. In this case, for example, the crack would be, "'So, they're naked girls sticking their tongues out?' 'Nope! Fully clothed!'" But this is even more egregious than usual; a lot of the pictures on this site are quite clearly taken directly from porn, with the porn removed from them to keep from distracting you from the tongues. I mean, I'm not upset that I didn't get to see porn... it's just... what is this site about, exactly? Am I misunderstanding?
Objectúm-sexuality 9/12/00
"I now pronounce you bricks and wife." More than one site about a woman who married a wall. Because, see, the wall turns her on. Granted, it is the Berlin Wall, and it's hard not to be attracted to a wall that powerful. I just have to wonder what the courtship was like... oh, this one's too easy! Make up your own smartass remarks.
Cosplay 9/12/00
It's so earnest, I feel guilty putting it here. Still, I got this in the mail, took one look at it and got the deeply unnerving sense that I was just scratching the surface to this great big toboggan ride of dementia. I mean, I know people like to play dress-up behind closed doors... just maybe not as, like, Digimon characters. There have to be lines.
Warrior Women of the Empire 10/26/00
The rumors are true! There IS a site featuring sexy naked Klingons! Nerdvana! If there are two great tastes that taste greater together than Trekkies and computer porn, I haven't found 'em. This is another one of those sites that could or could not be a parody; I'd spend longer trying to figure it out, but I'm afraid someone will catch me looking at it.
Burned Fur 10/26/00
Just when I'm about to lose all hope, there's plushie infighting. Brunching Shuttlecocks, which pointed me in the direction of this site, did a much better job deconstructing it than I ever could.
The Site of the Systems 10/26/00
Ohhh my.
Trust me on this one. Stick with it. You won't be disappointed. There are layers, my friend, layers.
Woman Eaters 10/30/00
Every once in a while I add a link here not because I actually want people to see the site, but because I see it and think, "If I have to go through life knowing this site got put online, I refuse to suffer alone." Share my pain, world.
Dolphin Sex.org 11/26/00
Okay, it's official; I have now reached the theoretical limits of what links I will include. What fascinates me about this one is the way they view themselves as acceptable dolphin-daters, as opposed to sick and twisted dolphin-daters. "No, see, it's consensual. Not like those weirdos with the bestiality." Someone get this man a dictionary!
Sock Cooking 11/26/00
This one is a humor site in the same vein as tweef. It's not real... although given all the other links above, would you really be surprised if it were?
Predator Pee .com 12/10/00
Christmas is right around the corner, shoppers!
Trampled by Heavy Animals 12/31/00
Okay, this one you have to explain to me.
Nox.com 2/17/01
The most defensive site ever "built." The biscuit-burner is, there's somebody somewhere who really really wants to actually do something with this domain. But ohhhh, no; this domain is for my picture of the moon!
Peter Pan 2/18/01
can't... breathe... too much... laughter....
I can retire now. There isn't going to be a better site than this one.
actual product: the Mountain Dew shotgun 2/24/01
When bullets just aren't in-your-face (to the x-treme!!!) enough.
I always knew that much caffeine could kill you.